Warning: Might cause an offense!
Do you think I am beautiful? or Do you think I am overweight? Not many girls have asked me this question, but whenever I faced it (I will not reveal details even if you ask me offline) I have found it incredibly difficult to provide an answer. One reason being my extreme cynicism and secondly inability to lie effectively.
It may sound as an act of desperation but I am compelled to pen down my thoughts here to share it with the like minded people. In IIT where sex ratio is 9:1, where girls are often referred as non-male entities it is difficult to spot a beautiful girl. But that’s not what has motivated me to write this. It is my collective experience of last 24 years. (Here i feel like inverting my pockets and say “Thats all I have” )
As a kid I saw movies and TV serials. The newspaper carried advertisements of “Adult” movies with titles like “Reshma Ki Jawani“. I concluded from the word that an adult movie is probably the one where they show people doing things that adults do. In my eyes it was probably things like going to work, fights in office, business etc.I knew these things are boring. My hypothesis were confirmed because I never heard that any of such movie was a Hit. I dint know the actress Reshma either. I knew Madhuri Dixit and Shridevi or Juhi.
But I noticed one thing consistently. The actress on tv or in movie, may it be the Madhuri or her friends were all so very (subjective term applied generally) beautiful. Even as a kid I loved Madhuri’s smile. Every actor I saw on television may it be a tv serial or movies or the commercials had beautiful women around him. Time changed rapidly and another adjective entered, “scantily clad” . I felt asking my father how come you married to my mother? Or I looked around the people I knew and wondered how come they married their wives? They werent like those movie actresses at all. The only possible reason, I felt was probably that their wives did not use Vico, Liril etc, or they (husbands) themselves were stupid.
But as the time progressed I was sure that I will get a slim, sexy girl just like one of those shown on television. I did not see what was so tough about it. Neither Amitabh looked good nor Shahrukh looked as groomed as he is now during my early teens. If he can do on-screen romance with Kajol, I felt with all genuineness that I can romance a half beautiful girl off the screen one day. I just didn’t see whats wrong with that or what was so difficult about it.
There were poor attempts by my classmates to link my name to some girl in the school, but they dint succeed because of my indifference and secondly I myself was not appealed by any of those two ponytail girls. I hoped I have a better future.
But now that I am well past my teens and when I have physically reached adulthood (and years are racing by to tend me towards “Aged” but my mental level is still like Calvin) I wonder what really happened to my confidence that I too will have a beautiful girlfriend? And its not just me. All my close friends are asking themselves the same question. While we take a walk on Colaba, when we enter Cafe Leopald, when we go to a mall, that question comes again and again in our minds (at least in my mind). Instead of finding ourself with a girl, we end up staring at someone far off coochie-cooing with her boyfriend.
In engineering my class had no good looking girls (my apologies if any of my classmate girl stumbles on this) they were all accumulated in electronics and communication class. But most of them were after the Mechanical guys. I consoled myself thinking Information Technology is not that “macho” field like mechanical engineering and I am still a nerd. I hoped that some beautiful girl will join my company and will be my team mate. Such sweet co-incidences happen so very often in Movies that I thought the probability that it will happen with me also is very high. Such girls did join our company but never in my team. Such girls did enter the bus I travelled in but never sat next to me. They did come to the library I visited but never came face to face while taking a book off the shelf. None of such girls bumped against me while walking on corners. I travelled so very often by my bike but no PCCE or medical college girl ever asked for a ride (no puns here plz).
I have joined IIT, a word that causes awe in most of the common Indians. It is also a proof that I am not a jerk or completely unappealing guy, brand IIT after all has a lot of sex appeal (or I hope so). But somehow that too doesn’t seem to be working. While I listen to RadioCity 91.2 fm, where the love guru is busy solving problems of teenage girls falling in love with their classmates , I wonder if any girl ever had a crush on me. Every beautiful girl I see around is walking hand in hand with her what appears to be her boyfriend. And like putting salt on my wounds that boyfriend of her’s looks no better than a pizza delivery boy, Speak of Looks . And my classmate gives me a news that one “hot” girl of our college days ran away with the bus conductor of the bus we use to travel by. Sheesh! Speak of Qualifications and money
My friend consoles me and himself. The girls who look so modern and appealing, are very selfish he tells me. No, I have seen many of them sobbing (not fake tears) for their boyfriend for sure, I remind myself. They are beautiful because they do make up he tells me. I have seen average looking girls not looking any better with the best of makeup. The only sentence that really consoles me eventually is “Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder”, instead of running after a beauty that doesn’t bother about your existence why not look at the options that are easier to grab and claim “It’s as beautiful as that”. Its like settling with a Maruti 800 and claiming it is better than Honda City because Maruti has better mileage.
It really hurts. It really hurts when you cant get a plausible reason for “why shouldn’t you get it while someone else does?”. At least if you know what you lack in compared to the other guy, you can try to fill the gap. But this game beats me.
I now feel that I was cheated. I was cheated by all those TV commercials, all those movies which set the notions of “beauty” (and sexy) in my head. They manipulated my mind to such an extent that they got me frustrated 10 years later. I will take a long time to come on terms with reality that I will probably never get to sleep with girl with the looks of Mallika Sheravat. A flawless skins like that of Katrina will never feel against my body. (Readers are free to imagine more things here, I am bounded by self censoring).
I wonder today’s kids who must be hearing words like “size zero”, what kind of expectations will they grow up with.
But more than myself I pity all those girls who are far from beautiful if, we take television and movies as standard. I wonder how hard they must have tried to look like Karina or Priyanka. How much agony they must have gone through when they must have finally realized that their genetics are simply not programmed to resemble Karina or Katrina in any way. While there were just too many guys after those few beautiful girls, the average looking girls must have tried hard to get attention of some other guys. There was demand and there was supply it was simply not met because of wrong judgment of both the entities. Peagen hole principle was violated here. There were peagens and holes but the peagons found those holes unappealing and the holes found themselves unworthy.
Life is sometimes very unfair. But there is no use complaining you need to either settle for what is available or devote yourself to something that doesnt give you time to think about “life”. I will chose the second option any day. What do you think guys?