Emotional Complexities

One thing I regularly do is : Preparing lists. I recently prepared a list of most depressing moments of my childhood. Though I will not publish it, there was one important take away from that list.

I never had worries about exams, studies and least about my future. The depressing moments I faced as a child seem extremely trivial now as a grown up. Or may be I have learned to live with irony called life. Secondly, I realize that I was more concerned and bothered about things that were not related to my life at all.

I remember one day when I was returning from Chowgule college, I saw an old women, with barely any clothes on her body was trying to find a shelter near a closed shop. It was raining very heavily. The shopkeepers around did not let her even on the pavement. Now, lets not mistaken me as a compassionate human being. It only raised many questions in my life, what made that old woman be a destitute? What exactly happened with her life?

Search answers for irrelevant question is not a bad hobby. It gives you a good insight into human behavior. It makes you understand why people behave in a certain way under certain situations. It is also very depressing sometimes to know the real reason people behave in particular way.

A girls high school was on my way when I use to walk my way to bus stand every morning. That school was considered to be very prestigious in Panaji city and rich and poor flocked to get their kids admitted in this school. A father use to come to drop his daughter every morning to this school and I happened to cross their way everyday.

The father was clearly very poor. He use to accompany his daughter on way to school and he use to walk with her to school every day. I could clearly see a pride on his face that his daughter is going to a good school. He probably internally craved that people will see him with his daughter near the school and praise him for this achievement. He use to continuously talk with his daughter in his way, he would inquire about her studies her friends etc. In fact I felt that he was trying hard to establish a communication with his kid. And yes if I haven’t told you already. He was a dwarf.

The girl however was a bit reluctant to walk with him. When they use to reach near the school she use to be in a lot of hurry to get inside the building. While all other kids with their parents use to say bye bye 10 times to them. There was a stationary shop right opposite the school where the kids would force their parents to buy things for them.

This man would ask her daughter if she needed anything. Pen, Notebooks? He would ask. I have to go, I need to copy something from my friend. She would reply and run into the school not responding or reluctantly responding to the waving hand of her father.

Clearly the reason why she would do this, it was so clear to me that she was embarrassed of her father. She did not want to be seen with her father. Where as her father never realized that why she rushes in hurry. He thought she was very dedicated to her studies.

As a silent spectator, I always wondered. Whether that girl will ever realize the value of her fathers emotions. Whether the father will ever realize that his daughter is embarrassed about him. What if when she tell him this bluntly if not now may be when she grows up?

And I am sure one day will come when she will realize that she failed to acknowledge some of the most precious moments of her life. But it will be too late than.

All these questions might seem irrelevant. But undestanding people too well is like a curse for someone like me. There are so many such stories that I know. Unkwon people, irrelevant incidents but then they help me understand complexities of emotions in human life.

When I look back at my most deperssing moments list, I realise that the underlying common factor for making those moments depressing was a failure to understand my own emotions. There was a complete mis-interpretation of incidences which made me feel bad about them. But preparing this list helped. It made me emotionally more mature. It taught to be more sensitive towards other people.

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