Here are some of my reasons why not to get married (irrespective of you having a gf or not). “Sex thrills but AIDS kills” said one government advertisement few years back what that ad dint say was that it is equally applicable to marriage as well. In fact marriage even takes out the thrill out of sex.
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1. One has to share his room and rest all resources like t.v. remote. There is no thrill of watching Govinda, Devanad or Akshay kumar’s B grade movies with C grade acting without a frowning face glaring at you. You have to take into consideration someone else’s opinion on which side of the bed you should sleep, have to fight your case on which speed do you need to keep the fan or what temperature the AC needs to show. Of course, never think of watching the late night Ftv or AXN shows.
2. Food and Clothing, yes you can no more get a tandoori in your room and eat it using both hands and rest of your body in a way that will put even the savages of “Cannibal holocaust” to shame, even in your room you have to learn to be civil and mannered human being.
Suddenly the “Fcuk” T-shirts, your old favorite jeans and if there is anything that doesn’t go with the fashion of current times, you see all of it disappearing mysteriously. You are now forced to comb your hair like your mum did it to you when you were in school.
And you better do it keeping your mouth shut. As soon as you open your mouth you will have to listen “all my friend’s husbands are hunks, cant I have at least a decently dressed husband?” Suddenly you get to know why no girl ever found you worth paying attention to!
This is something I really hate God for. He has cursed the female sex with the power to remember all the dates which had some terrible event for the male sex. From the first time we met, to the first time you gifted me something, she remembers it all. Yes, even if she doesn’t remember the city pincode yet!
There is nothing wrong with remembering something. Nor there is anything expecting the other person to remember it. But IT IS CERTAINLY WRONG to expect the other person to remember it when you haven’t really forgotten it.
Why both the partners should remember the same date of an event? Isnt it redundant information? When wife already remembers it why should man remember it?
In face for a man it is always better to forget when he had got married and when was the first time he saw the face that he hates the most now.
Experienced husbands have developed methods to handle the critical situations when they happen to forget (as usual) an important(!) date. The best method costs little. It involves keeping a gift hidden somewhere in the room (mostly the kitchen because your wife is not likely to go there) whenever you smell the danger tell her that you were just pretending to have forgotten. Then say “How can I forget th most beautiful moment of my life? I have already got a gift for you”. That works 90% of the time. Rest 10% of the times it is either her late father’s or her Dog’s death anniversary. The experienced husbands did not reveal what exactly happened in those 10% cases.
4. The Mumma Factor
You are unaware that earth was a home for so many creatures until you meet your wife’s relatives. Among all those beats the most “Khunkar” is her beloved mother. When you were in love with your wife you wondered how exactly can such a sweet girl be born to these parents. You often develop conspiracy theories in mind. However after marriage you realize the truth.
Her mom’s opinion starts affecting all your life. You can’t buy a car because as per her mom Wed is not an auspicious day. Of course forget about the Black Color, you end up buying a white car.
Every month you curse the Graham bell for inventing telephone after looking at the bill most of it is due to the hours long conversations between your sweetheart and her mom. And most of the time in that conversation they were criticizing YOU.
You suddenly thank Graham Bell for inventing telephone because if it was not there may be Momma the great would have herself arrived in your home. That does happen occasionally unless experienced husbands tell me that you should have bought a Dog.
In her presence you get constant advices from your wife. Do not fart, cover your mouth when you burp, do an in-shirt, do not tell her about the loan you have taken for so and so reason, and praise the horrible food she cooks.
The problems get compounded if you are merely an academician who takes pleasure in work and not running after money, if you are not a government servant the problem becomes worse. You are told how so-and-so’s husband whose proposal had also come to you wife and which she rejected to choose you, has built a posh bungalow at the center of the city within 2 years of his PWD job. The lethal blow comes when your wife shakes her head in agreement. Inside your mind you wouldn’t mind if your wife goes to him even now.
5. The dangers of life
This is the saddest part of your life when you can’t even go on long distance bike rides. You are told that it is unsafe. You can’t stay out at night without giving the details to your wife about whats your exact location to what are you doing. The constant nagging of “come home early” kills your interest in whatever you do.
If you ever had dreams of horse riding, bungee jumping, visiting Ladakh etc. now you have to keep it reserved for your son. Those dreams will never come true.
6. Thank God It’s not friday
You slog the week just with a dream to have an uninterrupted sleep on Saturday and Sunday morning. In the evening you plan to visit your favorite book shop and get a book of your choice.
However on Sunday morning you end up driving 100 kms just to go to your wife’s third cousin’s 2 nd son’s 1st birthday party. Where you sit in one of the corners with sheepish artificial smile on your face and a Rs 500 gift wrapped in the gift paper worth Rs 10. Thankfully there are enough husbands around you to show sympathy.
On the way back home you have to listen to how everyone except you have prospered. How everyone has a bigger plasma tv and a still bigger car. Yeah, and there is a lot of day dreaming about your kid’s first birthday.
Next time you decide to stay back in office even on weekends. Your hear you team-mates/ sub-ordinates guessing it correctly during the tea break. You now also realize why your boss as so happy to hear about your marriage plans and soon you also understand why he is always at work.
7. The other babes.
How many times has it happened to you, that you went to a restaurant, ordered a dish and after it was served you suddenly look at the other table and realize that you have made a mistake in ordering this particular dish?
The seriousness of this experience and the depth in the old saying “grass is greener…” gets very clear after marriage. Soon you wonder why you wife did not introduce to her so many friends before marriage. Also now you realize that couple of babes in your office who did not even look at you earlier now suddenly start asking you about your new year party plans. Of course, you have to tell them that you have already made plan, you only can’t tell them that the plan is to celebrate the new year with a dinner with your brother -in-law.
8. Your Babe
It doesn’t take your wife even a year to show her real colors. She puts on weight at such a speed that the weighing machine at your home breaks twice. You simply don’t know how to react when you realize that all that fair and flawless skin was actually the result of regular facial and hair removal creams. Only difference is earlier her Momma paid for it and now onwards its your turn. Whether its water or weather? When you ask her she tells you that its all because of the birth control pills. You have no answer for that.
Within a year of marriage all the clothes she had before now need to be disposed off. the “S” and “M” size clothes are obsolete and the wardrobe will filled with “XL” and “XXL”. All your fantasies to lift her in you arms etc, melt like an ice cube kept on a frying pan.
9. 1 is equal to 2
If plato had female friends I am sure his ‘The Republic” would have had better discussions. It is immediately clear to be why Socrates is “The first MAN who taught us how to think” because women have done it since the days of Eve. [It helps to remember that Socrates had a very bad wife]
In a tactical move while guessing what is the importance of this particular day you end up saying “I do remember honey, how can I forget this day? This as the most beautiful day of my life”. You think she will become happy at this, any smart women having a brain would get happy.
“If this day is the most beautiful day of your life that means the day we got married isn’t the most beautiful day your life?”
This question happens to be the most profound question man has ever answered. The future of man depends on his ability to handle these kind of questions.
10. The moment of truth
There is hardly any doubt that you make a terrible mistake by getting married but that is not what hurts the most. You realize that there was hardly any option. This was inevitable.
I don’t understand why only Siddhartha got popular as Buddha when he realised that “Suffering is the first noble truth”. He ran away from it where million bravely fought it out.
As a young lad each one of us believes that I am special. Our scriptures say that “I” represents “Aham“ that is: pride. The scriptures say that it needs to be converted to “We”. Marriage achieves it with a mastery like no other seer ever did. Only thing is after marriage the “proud I” gets mixed as a “faceless we” with the rest of the world.