10 reasons not to get married

Here are some of my reasons why not to get married (irrespective of you having a gf or not).  “Sex thrills but AIDS kills” said one government advertisement few years back what that ad dint say was that it is equally applicable to marriage as well. In fact marriage even takes out the thrill out of sex.

UPDATE: This blog became an instant hit within few minutes of it’s publishing. Check out the spike in the graph below

1. One has to share his room and rest all resources like t.v. remote. There is no thrill of watching Govinda, Devanad or Akshay kumar’s B grade movies with C grade acting without a frowning face glaring at you. You have to take into consideration someone else’s opinion on which side of the bed you should sleep, have to fight your case on which speed do you need to keep the fan or what temperature the AC needs to show. Of course, never think of watching the late night Ftv or AXN shows.

2. Food and Clothing, yes you can no more get a tandoori in your room and eat it using both hands and rest of your body in a way that will put even the savages of “Cannibal holocaust” to shame, even in your room you have to learn to be civil and mannered human being.

Suddenly the “Fcuk” T-shirts, your old favorite jeans and if there is anything that doesn’t go with the fashion of current times, you see all of it disappearing mysteriously. You are now forced to comb your hair like your mum did it to you when you were in school.

And you better do it keeping your mouth shut. As soon as you open your mouth you will have to listen “all my friend’s husbands are hunks, cant I have at least a decently dressed husband?” Suddenly you get to know why no girl ever found you worth paying attention to!

3. Dates

This is something I really hate God for. He has cursed the female sex with the power to remember all the dates which had some terrible event for the male sex. From the first time we met, to the first time you gifted me something, she remembers it all. Yes, even if she doesn’t remember the city pincode yet!

There is nothing wrong with remembering something. Nor there is anything expecting the other person to remember it. But IT IS CERTAINLY WRONG to expect the other person to remember it when you haven’t really forgotten it.

Why both the partners should remember the same date of an event? Isnt it redundant information? When wife already remembers it why should man remember it?

In face for a man it is always better to forget when he had got married and when was the first time he saw the face that he hates the most now.

Experienced husbands have developed methods to handle the critical situations when they happen to forget (as usual) an important(!) date.  The best method costs little. It involves keeping a gift hidden somewhere in the room (mostly the kitchen because your wife is not likely to go there) whenever you smell the danger tell her that you were just pretending to have forgotten. Then say “How can I forget th most beautiful moment of my life? I have already got a gift for you”. That works 90% of the time. Rest 10% of the times it is either her late father’s or her Dog’s death anniversary. The experienced husbands did not reveal what exactly happened in those 10% cases.

4. The Mumma Factor

You are unaware that earth was a home  for so many creatures  until you meet your wife’s relatives. Among all those beats the most “Khunkar” is her beloved mother. When you were in love with your wife you wondered how exactly can such a sweet girl be born to these parents. You often  develop conspiracy theories in mind. However after marriage you realize the truth.

Her mom’s opinion starts affecting all your life. You can’t buy a car because as per her mom Wed is not an auspicious day. Of course forget about the Black Color, you end up buying a white car.

Every month you curse the Graham bell for inventing telephone after looking at the bill most of it is due to the hours long conversations between your sweetheart and her mom. And most of the time in that conversation they were criticizing YOU.

You suddenly thank Graham Bell for inventing telephone because if it was not there may be Momma the great would have herself arrived in your home. That does happen occasionally unless experienced husbands tell me that you should have bought a Dog.

In her presence you get constant advices from your wife. Do not fart, cover your mouth when you burp, do an in-shirt, do not tell her about the loan you have taken for so and so reason, and praise the horrible food she cooks.

The problems get compounded if you are merely an academician who takes pleasure in work and not running after money, if you are not a government servant the problem becomes worse. You are told how so-and-so’s husband whose proposal had also come to you wife and which she rejected to choose you, has built a posh bungalow at the center of the city within 2 years of his PWD job.  The lethal blow comes when your wife shakes her head in agreement. Inside your mind you wouldn’t mind if your wife goes to him even now.

5. The dangers of life

This is the saddest part of your life when you can’t even go on long distance bike rides. You are told that it is unsafe. You can’t stay out at night without giving the details to your wife about whats your exact location to what are you doing. The constant nagging of “come home early” kills your interest in whatever you do.

If you ever had dreams of horse riding, bungee jumping, visiting Ladakh  etc. now you have to keep it reserved for your son. Those dreams will never come true.

6. Thank God It’s not friday

You slog the week just with a dream to have an uninterrupted sleep on Saturday and Sunday morning. In the evening you plan to visit your favorite book shop and get a book of your choice.

However on Sunday morning you end up driving 100 kms just to go to your wife’s third cousin’s 2 nd son’s 1st birthday party. Where you sit in one of the corners with sheepish artificial smile on your face and a Rs 500 gift wrapped in the gift paper worth Rs 10. Thankfully there are enough husbands around you to show sympathy.

On the way back home you have to listen to how everyone except you have prospered. How everyone has a bigger plasma tv and a still bigger car. Yeah, and there is a lot of day dreaming about your kid’s first birthday.

Next time you decide to stay back in office even on weekends. Your hear you team-mates/ sub-ordinates guessing it correctly during the tea break. You now also realize why your boss as so happy to hear about your marriage plans and soon you also understand why he is always at work.

7. The other babes.

How many times has it happened to you, that you went to a restaurant, ordered a dish and after it was served you suddenly look at the other table and realize that you have made a mistake in ordering this particular dish?

The seriousness of this experience and the depth in the old saying “grass is greener…” gets very clear after marriage. Soon you wonder why you wife did not introduce to her so many friends before marriage. Also now you realize that couple of babes in your office who did not even look at you earlier now suddenly start asking you about your new year party plans. Of course, you have to tell them that you have already made plan, you only can’t tell them that the plan is to celebrate the new year with a dinner with your brother -in-law.

8. Your Babe

It doesn’t take your wife even a year to show her real colors. She puts on weight at such a speed that the weighing machine at your home breaks twice. You simply don’t know how to react when you realize that all that fair and flawless skin was actually the result of regular facial and hair removal creams. Only difference is earlier her Momma paid for it and now onwards its your turn. Whether its water or weather? When you ask her she tells you that its all because of the birth control pills. You have no answer for that.

Within a year of marriage all the clothes she had before now need to be disposed off. the “S” and “M” size clothes are obsolete and the wardrobe will filled with “XL” and “XXL”. All your fantasies to lift her in you arms etc, melt like an ice cube kept on a frying pan.

9. 1 is equal to 2

If plato had female friends I am sure his ‘The Republic” would have had better discussions. It is immediately clear to be why Socrates is “The first MAN who taught us how to think” because women have done it since the days of Eve. [It helps to remember that Socrates had a very bad wife]

In a tactical move while guessing what is the importance of this particular day you end up saying “I do remember honey, how can I forget this day? This as the most beautiful day of my life”. You think she will become happy at this, any smart women having a brain would get happy.

“If this day is the most beautiful day of your life that means the day we got married isn’t the most beautiful day your life?”

This question happens to be the most profound question man has ever answered. The future of  man depends on his ability to handle these kind of questions.

10. The moment of truth

There is hardly any doubt that you make a terrible mistake by getting married but that is not what hurts the most. You realize that there was hardly any option. This was inevitable.

I don’t understand why only Siddhartha got popular as Buddha when he realised that “Suffering is the first noble truth”. He ran away from it where million bravely fought it out.

As a young lad each one of us believes that I am special. Our scriptures say that “I” represents Aham that is: pride. The scriptures say that it needs to be converted to “We”. Marriage achieves it with a mastery like no other seer ever did. Only thing is after marriage the “proud I” gets mixed as a “faceless we” with the rest of the world.

20 thoughts on “10 reasons not to get married

  1. Most of these problems can be prevented if you select the woman yourself after meeting her more than twice.

    Two western technologies I see making a huge impact on India: dating and film editing.

  2. 😀 😀 😀

    poor my little baby… what happend to you? in which terrible country do you live with such as an horrible opinion about marriage? I don’t believe neither on merriage, but I also think that the faillure of them are not entaierly caused by woman… take your resposability and if your girlfriend is so stressfull, change it, there are planty of easy going girl.

    🙂 take care

  3. I am a little surprised at the comments i am getting. This is not a serious blog 🙂 It is a humorous take on the topic of marriage from a college-goers point of view.

    Certainly it’s not woman’s fault always or most of the times 🙂 I dont need sympathies and my country has on of the best marriage system in the world.

  4. There is nothing more worrying than someone taking your joke seriously.

    You write detailed article on important topic and no one reads. You write some bullshit that makes no sense and you get so many hits. The graphs I have shown below is a testimony to that.

  5. This stuff was hilarious! you sure do have the P.L. humor streak in you, Akshar..I’m proud of you my brother!

  6. Good one akshar.. Nicely written.
    The most lachar animal in our society is not dog but Married husband.

  7. hahahaaahaa man… people say “The truth hurts” but I think in your case The truth can make you laugh so hard that it hurts.. It is a great article, I had a real good time reading it.

    I don’t think relationships have to end up this way, but I agree most women have a tendency of being over-controling perhaps because they are more concerned about long term future than we are.

    We (men) agree on getting married because we get to a certan point in a relationship that if we don’t propose to our GF we get kicked out. Let’s be honest, Marriage is an institution created to protect women from irresponsable men. If we weren’t forced to get married, no man in his right mind would ever propose to a girl. Some men would choose to live with their GF for the rest of their lives, others would choose having short term relationships.

    The truth is we propose to women because we give up on our ego and realize marriage is very importat for the girl we love, she needs to get attached to you with a legal contract that punishes you if you try to go away. It is twisted yes, but it is how things work these days.

    The funny thing is that if a relationship does go wrong, they’ll split up eihter if they’re married or not, so the only thing that marrige benefits women is that marrige legislations are sexist favoring women and they get to keep the money and kids in most cases, and you’ve got to admit this is true.

    So, am I anti-marrige? no, I believe one should be very picky in order to find the right girl, plus, it should be something that shows up, not that you “Look for”. Still I think happy marriages are a reality, but they are not for everybody, some people are better off being single and that should be respected.

    Thanks for your article, it was very funny!!

  8. Thank you miguel for your comment. I think this is the longest comment I have ever got on my blog. 🙂 And as far as content is concerned the only thing I can say is “I cant agree more”. Cheers!

  9. Most of this left me scratching my head in bewilderment, others let my jaw agape at astonishment and disbelief. But I also think it revealed the true source of the problem, as I shall explain.

    It seems your belief is that marriage will trap you into a life that is 1) Boring 2) Safe 3) Predictable.

    But ah ha! This is only true if you *choose* to marry a woman who is 1) Boring 2) Safe and 3) Predictable. The problem lies in the fact that men such as yourself think that this is the ONLY proper kind of wife to have, and would not dream of marrying a woman who was interesting or had any kind of adventurous spirit at all.

    “Horse riding, bungee jumping, visiting Ladakh” LOL! Not only would I participate ACTIVELY in all these things, I’d beat you there! I’d also love my own room, own TV, and your fcuk shirt. And why the h#ll would I tell you not to go bike riding at night? I do it myself all the time. Why would I tell you what to do period, when you’re a grown man?

    Seriously, I read these things and wonder aloud “Where are they finding these girls???” You must select them this way. Trust me when I tell you, it’s you hun. You’re the one picking them out.

    I’ve never had such a relationship with a man such as you describe in all my life. Not ever.

    Exactly the opposite, in fact. I’m a spirited independent girl with her own mind, as such I tend to attract a lot of “conservative” type men, who then try to change me. But I know if they ever did succeed at changing me, they would say “What happened? You were so interesting to me before. Now you have become dull and boring.” And I would say “That’s because you sucked the life out of me.”

    But you men have this part of you that demands any woman you marry must be boring and dull because this is the only acceptable kind of woman to have as a wife. So, you either marry a dull one, or find an interesting one you’re attracted to (like myself) and then try to force her to become dull and uninteresting so you can then complain about it later.

    Oh, and one more thing. Marriage is the road to wealth. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201008/get-married-get-wealthy Marrieds accrue more wealth and assets than either one of them would ever have done alone, and married men retire with more than twice as much money than never-married or divorced men.

  10. Thanks for an elaborate reply. Girls like you are almost impossible to find in my part of the world and even if there is one, you are absolutely to most of the men here will force her to become a boring one.

    Also, lately I realized that men generally tend to blame their failures on their wives. They feel good by blaming their so called better half for their own failures.

    Akshar Prabhu Desai | akshar@akshar.co.in
    Sent on my BlackBerry®

  11. hey Akshar,the way u have described a life after marriage is just the result of lack of patience and eagerness to get the taste of marriage in which u fail to choose a perfect match for your entire life.its true that life after a few years of marriage tends to get boring but its obvious and what do u expect ,your wife should go everyday on a candlelight dinner with you?And buddy there are adventurous women in your part of the world too…….you have not just come across them!!!!

  12. what a lot of girls fail to understand is that even if you let us do many of the things we want, the fact is any decision, small and large, cannot be made without the input of a spouse once you are married (or living together). you can’t just go bike riding without letting her know in case she has other plan in mind. she might be cool and let you go but still, you can no longer do anything on a whim. everything has to run through your partner and if you don’t, then you gotta answer a million questions like where were you? what did you do? bla bla bla. answering questions about the most mundane shit in life doesn’t make marriage seem all that exciting.

  13. You have compiled a great list and the points you have raised are valid. Come to think of it, the ones who gain the most from marriage are women whereas men are at a serious disadvantage. And with the misandrist laws being enacted by the spineless government at the behest of feminists, it makes sense for men not to marry at all. Here’s a document entitled “A Warning For Indian Bachelors” that elaborates the dangers faced by Indian men when they get married:

    And some links that discuss why marriage is a bad idea:

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